I don’t even have a comfort zone anymore
September 13, 2023
The last few days have been crazy. I've started Polish high school, gone to a concert in Krakow, visited Gdańsk, met more strangers, went to the biggest roller coaster park in Europe, and tomorrow, I am meeting the Warsaw Public Affairs Officers in the Ambassador's Residence for a reception. Despite all these incredible memories and opportunities, I am also facing some challenges, which is obviously expected when traveling abroad by yourself at fifteen to a continent that is missing every single person that has ever been important in your life, with a language that consists of sounds you never knew your mouth could make.
I am struggling to balance my life in the US with my life in Poland and learning how to maintain strong relationships abroad, while simultaneously trying to form friendships here. I feel out of control of my mood and emotions, which can be expected to be caused from mood swings as a teenager, however, I've noticed that while I've been in Poland so far, my mood varies greatly with complete randomness, and it can be very difficult for me to create a stable mental environment when the atmosphere in my mind is constantly shifting with a lack of consistency. For example, yesterday I felt on top of the world. Seriously. I couldn't stop smiling while walking down the street, I was meeting strangers (I will tell this story another time haha), and I genuinely felt completely overfilled with pure joy. Today, however, I struggled to keep my tears in while walking around the city and I couldn't lift my mood no matter what music I listened to, what food I ate, how I exercised, what things I was thinking about. Nothing was helpful, and I felt trapped with a deep wave of sadness that refused to leave. Tomorrow I could be right back to overwhelming happiness, today's sadness, or something completely different and unexpected. I have no idea, and it's honestly impossible to predict. My social battery is also drained to a point that it's never been before. I am constantly striving to reach out and be open to people at school to help me make friends and meet people, and I am so grateful for all of the kindness that I have received, it's just hard to always be giving 100% to everyone around you, while at the same time, trying to form a new life for yourself.
While I overcome these hurdles, I can already feel myself grow into a new version of "Margaret" that I have yet to create. I was talking to my mom over the phone yesterday and I jokingly explained to her: "Ya know mom, I honestly don't think that I even have a comfort zone anymore. Like it's pretty much deteriorated at this point. Everyone speaking an alien language around me in class? Ok. Reach out to a complete stranger because you overheard them speaking English and got super excited that they could be American or even just another foreigner? Done. Eat a rolled up raw fish because your host dad wants to see you try some traditional Polish food? Completed (barely). Give presentations to your peers with no notice? Sounds good. Organize a game of makeshift volleyball with some kids from your class that you don't know? Cool."
I am so proud of how much I have allowed myself to experience, simply by putting other people's opinions of me to the side and by getting comfortable in the adventure of discomfort. I am excited to see the person I have become by the end of these 10 months and look back on how far I have gone! While this post shared a few moments from the past few days, I have many interesting stories that I would like to share and fascinating observations revolving around the different education systems so far so stay tuned!